Well its been one hell of a week/weekend. Good lord......
I think I finally have all my friends/crushes sorted out. The last post explains most of it and Dave and I have settled things. I've been sick for a while - my immune system is shot from having had mono earlier this year. It really sucks.
Dana and Devon have become relatively inseperable and Dana is always over there now. I'm happy for her that she's getting out and making new friend but I'm seriously concerned that she's just leading Devon on and that she's going to hurt him very badly soon. It would kill me to have to help clean up that mess.
Friday night I managed for the first time in my life to combine substances so that I was most definately inebriated and having a blast but still coherent and in control. It felt great.
My dad was up here for the weekend. That was interesting - our relationship throughout my entire life has been bipolar. When we're not fighting we're incredibly close but then when we fight its terrible and destructive and has a huge impact on my life. We managed to get through the whole weekend without fighting and I think both of us genuinely had a good time. It made me really happy but it was absolutely emotionally draining.
I feel like alot of things in my life have fallen apart. I'm back into the same rut with school - whenever I think a class is boring or pointless I don't do the work, or procrastinate, or don't go to class. But when I think its worth doing I pour myself into it. I don't know if I'm more worried about that or the fact that I really don't care most of the time that I'm doing it.
I've fallen into the cracks between groups of friends. I have a few people that I'm incredibly close to (Emmy, Motha Naitch, Devo) but I feel like I'm not really fully part of their group (yet?). Tom (especially) and Rob (to some extent) have been complete asses to me lately. I feel like I've lost my identity as a person when I'm around them. I've become the hippie
. I don't mind the nickname and minor teasing/joking around - thats part of life and its fun. But lately it hasn't been fun anymore. I've let them walk all over me. I feel like I've been written off as a crazy pothead hippie girl who's fun to poke and mess around with but who doesn't really have opinions or a voice. They think that when I'm drunk and/or stoned I don't remember the things they say/do. Two recent events just topped it off. A little while ago Tom came into the hallway bellowed "HIPPIE" and when I didn't come running (I was on the phone) he just left. I'm not a fucking animal! Then on Friday I was walking by Rob's room and Tom says "Hippie go get a cup" and proceeds to get somewhat annoyed when I didn't right away and couldn't understand why I wouldn't walk up to my room to get him one of my freshly washed cups (his were all dirty). I don't understand what's happened to him but I really don't like him much at all anymore. We used to be so close... How can people treat other people like that? It boggles my mind that they can say these things and not understand when I get upset.
I like a boy. I've liked him for a while. I don't want to hear any snide comments about how many boys I have crushes on :P I've sorted out in my life the difference between loving a friend and having a crush on a boy/girl. I like this boy alot - in the way that is actually a crush (which I haven't had in a while). I'm not getting too far ahead of myself this time - we'll see what happens.
His name is Craig. He's an incredible musician and we talk about and swap music at all hours of the day and night. He's 18 (no more boys way older than me). His tattoo is Father Nature. This is the type of crush that makes me giddy and butterflies and crazy whenever I think of him. He held my hand on Saturday night! *blushes*
Its been an emotional ride. Life has felt like a dark black and white dream. But today the sun came out and my cold subsided a bit and I spent some time out in the woods so I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. I can never get over the healing power of nature.